Doing Good or Doing Guilt

Recently, in the same week, I was confronted with similar situations where people were looking for payback for unsolicited assistance they had given in the past. At a time in the recent past, *Jane had done *Lauren a favour because she was feeling generous and it was easy enough to help Lauren out. This is fantastic. Why not help a fellow human being? A while later Jane found herself in need of help and was very upset when Lauren had not offered help in return. She felt Lauren should help her, because she helps Lauren “all the time”. Lauren, however, did not directly ask Jane for help, yet Jane feels taken advantage of. Jane made Lauren feel guilty.

The second story is a similar one. A charity organisation (A) helped another (B), because they share similar interests. "A" then decided, at a later date, that they themselves needed assistance and felt it was incumbent upon "B" to help them. They, however, did not take into consideration if it was possible for "B" to help. Like Jane earlier, they too felt that their assistance was not reciprocated, even though it wasn’t practically possible for "B" to help them in this instance.

An unsolicited offer or favour should be seen as the equivalent of a donation. A donation, usually, is an deed where nothing is expected in return. In this instance, the assistance is offered in the spirit of helping someone out or contributing to a good cause. If someone makes an offer but expressly gives this offer on condition that they would be seeking a similar return of favour in the future, then at least the person accepting the favour knows that it comes with conditions.

It is important to ask ourselves, when offering to help others in need, "Why am I doing this?". Often, in the moment, we help others, because they need the support and we just want to help. Of course we would also need help from time to time. Would these same people will help you in return? Perhaps. Maybe they will do so because they feel it would be an opportunity to return the favour. Maybe they will do so just because they are able to. Maybe, however, they are unable to do so, while still wanting to or maybe they wouldn’t even consider it. In this last instance it could be hurtful to the person requiring the help in return. Perhaps they will get it elsewhere. We should try not to look where we are not getting assistance but rather where we are getting assistance. Also try to put yourself in the shoes of the people from whom you are expecting help or a favour.

The point is, like offering a donation of monetary value, where we expect nothing in return, don’t expect anything in return for an unsolicited favour that you offer others. If you offer assistance without expectations, you will maintain happy, respectful relationships. Do good for the sake of good, but don’t use guilt to ask for a favour in return. If that relationship becomes one where the other party is leeching off you, you can stop offering to help out. If the relationship falls apart, it wasn’t a good, respectful one to begin with.